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The Wild Hunt for Inner Peace

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Making the Law of Attraction Your Bitch

Law of Attraction, folks. LAW OF ATTRACTION! Do I have to scream it for you to understand me?

Do you want to be happy? Make it so. As above, so below.

Though I suspect some of you are only content when mainlining chaos. Which, to be honest, if you’re going to be living a life of misery and chaos, that’s the most efficient way to do it.

But remember, you beautiful disasters… the choice IS YOURS and YOURS ONLY.

But next time you start to utter words against yourself, please remember that you have all the power in the world inside you right now to change your life.

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I know this blog is a mess but I promise I will post something that makes sense very soon. 

Some days I go through and re-read what I’ve written and I just want to erase everything. It all sucks, it has to go!

I mean, I’m not going to but only because I’d be pissed at myself in a couple of days.

I think… there’s no way I don’t sound batshit crazy. This is insane. I am insane.

But then I remember that I know what insanity feels like and this is definitely not it.

Maybe I need to spend some time with and working on my shadow because I’m just about sick of my Twitter feed and its incessant “Love & Light!” bullshit. No, I don’t actually think it’s bullshit… I think I follow a bunch of people who speak of only your light side and I may need a little balance because honestly, it’s driving me nuts.

I’m not unhappy, don’t get me wrong. I guess I just need to remember where I came from; where my head was at 2 years ago.

I need to remember that all of this outward “love & light” I have was born from a place of darkness. And THAT is how I get to keep what I have.

The sociopath : the abridged version and a rant against the 12 steps.

Getting this out of the way so I can move on with my day but… I kind of feel like shit right now. I fell asleep sitting up and watching my iPad last night and now my neck HUUUUUURTS. It’s raining so everything else hurts as well.

I’m not unhappy, though. Sure, I could do without the crippling pain but 1. it’s not that bad and 2. I’ve got everything me and my soul needs so hey… I ain’t doing too bad.

Now that that’s out of the way I wanted to write a little more about exactly how I got here. Here being “a place with less insanity than previous moments in my life.”

When I talk about my spiritual awakening I talk about it starting with meeting my boyfriend [twin flame but that’s a whole ‘nother story] and him convincing me to eat mushrooms to let go of a bunch of shit that was holding me back. And in a previous blog post I talked about my “Dark Night of the Soul” that began 10 years ago in New Orleans.

But what really was the beginning of the end or the plain ole beginning was December 2013. I had just broken up with my son’s father, who could be, at times, abusive. I got the shit kicked out of me one last good time before I said “Fuck it” and left. Good on me, right? Of course, but that only left open a gaping wound that would be the distress signal picked up by a very terrible person. Someone who feeds off of negativity and vile behavior. A person so evil that the thought of his eyes still kind of scares the shit out of me. I’ve had goddamn nightmares about this person and did so for many months after breaking free.

I dated a sociopath.

And not a “Omg, Becky, he’s so crazy. He’s like a sociopath or something.” No, a real live Cluster B personality disordered human being. Although, his “humanity” is still up for debate. Never been confirmed so as far as I’m concerned it doesn’t exist.

After I had left my ex-boyfriend of almost 6 years, I started seeing someone I have known since high school and thought I got to know pretty well during our twenties. After a lot of encouragement from mutual friends about how “kind and compassionate” he was, I felt like I should give him a chance. After all, it was him who pursued this. It was him who kept calling and organizing my thoughts in accordance with his plans.

Of course he sought me out. I was sending out a distress signal so loud it stirred the dead. And really, he was dead inside. I was like a beacon of co-dependency  and bad decisions. It doesn’t surpise me that I became his target.

I won’t go through our relationshit play-by-play because I could never subject another person to that vile business. Let’s just say that it was so awful that it gave me PTSD. Sure, I had already weakened my mental state with everything I had gone through and put myself through since 2005… I was already damaged but this sent me over the edge.

It disassembled every. single. piece. of. me. I had no fucking clue who I was anymore. Those of you who have first hand experience with Cluster B’s will know exactly what it is I am talking about. I was limited in everything I did. Nothing felt real.

Even my vocabulary had gone to shit. I couldn’t think straight and I cried all of the time. I wanted to fucking die. And then there were nightmares and massive panic attacks. He had been stalking me so this was exacerbated to a very high degree.

I had just gone “No Contact” [pretty much the ONLY way to get a sociopath/psychopath out of your life is no contact] and he was pissed. Tried anything and everything to get me to come back to him and later, to just answer the phone.

But I had recognized early on that I had about one thread of sanity left. Just enough to make basic decisions and brush my teeth. I saw this and knew I couldn’t have him in my life. He was literally destroying me. My personality, gone.

And it was then that I shut myself away from the world and began sorting through all those nasty emotions and memories.

Against everyone’s advice I stopped going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, stopped going to my therapist, everything. I don’t recommend this to anyone. Please talk to your doctor or a mental health professional if you feel you need help.

I stopped going to all of that shit and I started to get better. I finally had a breakthrough around the middle of last December and the fog started to lift. I could see! Yay! Seriously, I think my eyesight even got a little better. That or I stopped living full time in my head and started to see life around me.

I had been burned and treated like shit by a LOT of people at Narcotics Anonymous and that had been a huge burden lifted from me as well. I dreaded going to meetings and had frequent panic attacks throughout the day just thinking about it.

I honestly see absolutely NO good that can come out of telling yourself and everyone else, ALL THE TIME, that you’re an addict. I hated it. I am a firm believer that self talk is the most important talk and if you are telling yourself that your an addict who can’t do shit on your own, well, you will be an addict who can’t do shit on your own. Not without a room full of people who are just as sick as you, telling you how to live your life. Uhh… since when did this become a good way to heal? It isn’t. Plain and simple, it doesn’t work.
Sure, I get what they’re doing. I get what they’re trying to say. But the statistics are against them. 5% of people actually recover when using the 12 steps? And it’s even lower for women?! Seems like the 12 steps are a staircase to nowhere. Sure, you keep busy but again with the self talk. You have yourself and everyone else making you identify as this person you were previously. The same person who hated themselves and made a bunch of bad decisions. Yes, you should NEVER forget who you are and where you came from, but the repetitive “I’m an addict” BS hurts your spirit. It’s like you never give yourself a chance to recover, to live a life without that cloud above your head. You can be humble without telling yourself that shit every single day. You can honor the past with reverence and respect to where you are now without having a room full of sickos projecting their own problems onto you.

And that’s the other thing. Now, please don’t get me wrong, I love the sickos I met at AA & NA but I definitely don’t want them giving me advice. YES, you can find decent people who have progressed far enough on their spiritual journey to take advice from. But 95% of them ARE NOT THOSE PEOPLE. 95% of them are still very hurt inside and quite honestly, can’t tell the difference between their ass and elbow.

Sure, they might have spent the last 2 year sober enough to earn the title “Sponsor” but 2 years is hardly enough to be considered sage enough to give advice to really sick people. They might have spent however many months [or mere weeks] completing the 12 steps but so much of its regurgitation. Most addicts are clever enough to work the system and the 12 steps are no different.

And again, I don’t regret my time spent in “the rooms”. I have gotten some help from some wise people. But there is too much one sided, ganging up, my way or the highway, you’re wrong and I’m right, BULLSHIT.

Yeah, maybe I have gotten some good advice but I can definitely say that my whole experice with NA/AA is one that has left a very bad taste in my mouth. I’ve been treated like shit more than loved for who I am. I’ve been in the crosshairs of jealous bullhorns with the taste of blood on their tongues.

This last time around really did me in and I’m glad I did. I’m glad for the girl who hated me but put on a farce for those around her only to explode her green innards all over my shoes when no one was around.

Something happened and I don’t know what it was but its ending was ME SOBER AND NO LONGER DEPRESSED OR BATTLING WITH MY DEMONS.

I am so grateful for psychedelics because they gave me my life back. I have been unburdened because I was given a chance to look at myself through a different perspective. One where there is no time for jealousy because I am you and you are me. We are the same. And if you can’t see that then I’m sorry but you’re doomed to a life of wanting more, hating more, and projecting your shitty ass problems all over the world.

I’m not one for titles, thank you.

I haven’t really talked about who I really am. I’m not going to elaborate and give many details away because, privacy. At least I’ll try not to… I’m a reformed loudmouth though so, not making any promises. Hmmm… where to start.

I was a quiet kid who liked books, rocks, crystals, digging in the dirt and exploring the woods. I prefered to be alone or have one or two friends around. I was never much for loud noises. My sun sign is Virgo and I was definitely a little neurotic. But I am also a Scorpio Moon/Ascendant so I was also weird as fuck, obviously. I saw ghosts and talked about death and paranormal things. Haha… I laugh about it now but I’m sure I was strange to some folks. But about that… people either love me or hate me. And I mean hate me. Some people usually have a fairly severe reaction to me. I used to think it was my goofiness that was offputting but I can be pretty funny sometimes and I’m not a mean person so why all the hate?

As I grew older I realized that was just something inside themselves saw something inside me that resonated and the person was not ready to deal with that aspect of themselves so they took their anger out on me. It’s like they get offended I subconsciously made them think about something they hate about themselves. But wouldn’t you, subconsciously get offended? Probably not these days but when I was doing drugs and hating myself I definitely would have. I was working very hard at stuffing those pieces of myself away and  here you come flaunting them around like you love yourself. Fuck you.

Thankfully, I’ve overcome that with a smack in the face from the Self Awareness Fairy. That “fuck you” is now a “thank you”.

Ahh… I see I have gone off topic. Ain’t no big deal. I’m just letting the universe tell me where to go. And since my child is at my parents house for the weekend I am about to take a nap. Can you believe it? I get to take a nap! Fuck yeah!

Definitely gonna meditate later but to tell you the truth, I have no plans but to love myself and everyone around me.

Clean your meat bags of all negativity! 

I finally took a shower and it feels like I put on new skin. Good Goddess, showers are so amazing. So is this pomegranate juice. I can literally feel the bright and shiny energy buzzing around me and my newly washed meat bag. 

I don’t get a bunch of time to myself so I try and bring a crystal in the shower with me and meditate that way. Sometimes I put on a guided meditation if there is something particular I need working on. Other times I just let the universe take me where I need to go. Tonight I had a piece of Opalite and focused on transitioning and surrendering to the spiritual awakening process.

For the past couple of days I had been really trying to control shit that was out of my control and guess who was having a bad time? This bitch!

So today I said “FUCK THE CHORES” and tried to relax and take it easy. Not take on so much or promise to do a bunch of shit that’s just going to stress me out. Yeah, I still did the chores because I’m a Virgo sun and I just can’t help it. But I didn’t force myself to jump around like a monkey trying to get every single thing done around the houes. Besides, when I try and do that I end up getting the least amount of stuff done. Totally counterproductive and I feel like an asshole. 

SO YEAH… relaxation and reflection was my theme today. I’m honestly only writing right now just so I can say that I wrote something today.

Thanks for reading if you happened upon it. Hope I didn’t make you want to tear your eyes out with too many run-on sentences. 

Love & Light, bitches. ❤

Let it gooooo!

Feeling a little discouraged right now but I guess that’s okay. Every single one of us feels discouraged at times; sometimes even multiple times a day.

I think it’s important to not wallow in those emotions but to recognize it for what it is by first figuring out its origin. Once you’ve determined exactly why you’re feeling discouraged or icky, think about it for a second, own it, and then let it the fuck go.

Coming from someone who used to garner the power of hate by stewing in my own shit filled emotions, I can assure you that it only leads to the amplification of the original feeling and then creates a black cloud of even more negative feelings.

So, if you’re feeling this way we can feel it together but you have to promise me you’re going to let it the fuck go when you’re done with it.

When The Water Hit The Levees & The Shit Hit The Fan

I guess I can say that all of this started when I moved to New Orleans in November 2004. I was wanting to get away from my hometown and do something different. I had lived in Portland, OR and Huntington Beach, CA and while those places helped me grow and discover more of who I am, I had an intense calling to return home to the South. New Orleans seemed like a perfect fit. 

It was only after 10 years of misery [after the storm] and my spiritual awakening [thanks psychedelics!] that I realize I was supposed to go to New Orleans and experience Hurricane Katrina. It was all part of the process. I didn’t know that at the time and I fucking hated it. I hated having to let go everything I had built in the year I lived in New Orleans. But like a true Scorpio Moon/Ascendent, I must self destruct in a spectacular manner before I can rise from the ashes of my own destruction. 

I say destruction referring to the self made destruction that took place after the storm. I had enough sense growing up in Florida and the year before had gone through Hurricane Ivan, to get the fuck out of dodge. I almost didn’t though. I was hungover from celebrating my 23rd birthday for the previous 3 days and had woken up to my cellphone placed neatly inside my cup of rum & coke from the night before. Suffice it to say that I was nowhere near prepared to pack for an evacuation if I didn’t have to. 

I got up and managed to phone my mom by driving to my newly ex-boyfriends place of employment to call my mom from there. Of course, she was freaking out and demanded that I return home. I refused and it wasn’t until I was sitting outside of a Major Video waiting on Pop-A-Lock to unlock my keys from my car that I was sat next to an old woman. I started asking her questions about what I would need to prepare myself for a hurricane in Louisiana. It was when she said to me “Child, you got ta fill ya bathtub up wit warter, and git cho self a hatchet.” 

A hatchet? Whyyyyyy? “Well child, if dat warter come up ova dat levee you gone get in ya attic and have ta hack ya way out.” 

And that’s when I noped the fuck back home.

It wasn’t until the next day that I realized I had lost everything. Maybe not much material things as I was living on “The Sliver by the River”, a slice of land that was mostly uneffected by floodwaters. We had 5 feet of water on our street so the only things that got ruined were things I had in the storage shed outside. Granted, there were some valuable things of a personal nature but it certainly wasn’t my life and I am very thankful for that.

But what I mean by lost everything is everything I had worked so hard to achieve. I had only a couple of more weeks and I would have gotten my Massage Therapy certificate allowing me to practice within the city limits [except the french quarter because then its called prostitution-antiquated laws]. 

I had been a fairly “mystical” child growing up. I meditated, collected rocks and crystals since I was about 8 and was really into the whole “Earth Child” thing. But it was New Orleans that blew open my third eye and taught me how to really meditate. I was introduced to Reiki, smudging to clear clients energy, singing bowls, and many other things. I was literally in heaven. 

I also attribute my mini awakening to the ley lines that run through New Orleans. There is no denying the powerful energy that city holds. She demands certain things from you and if you cannot deliver, you will take your licks. But when respected she holds the glory of mystery in her purple, gold, and green veins. Your willingness to abide by her rules is the syringe that extracts her essence. 

Call it what you will but what happened after the storm became the beginning of the end of the old me. I had wanted to be reshaped into a mystically fit massage therapist and when I began asking the Universe for change… it fucking listened. 

I evacuated back home to Florida where I spiraled down into drugs, addiction, alcohol, madness, anger, fear, depression… okay, you get the idea.  

And that’s when it all started… my “Dark Night of the Soul” I’ve been up, down, institutionalized, rehabbed, in jail, and in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. I’ve done it all.

And you know what worked for me? Taking my problems into my own hands with some serious introspection and one good psychedelic mushroom trip later and BAM… spiritual fucking awakening. 

If you are wary of the idea of taking psychedelics to work through some deep seated problems try reading this…

1. Amber Lyon is a journalist [CNN] and was introduced to the plant medicine, Ayahuasca, by Joe Rogan and it inspired her to change her direction in life, start a badass website, and spread the word AND the love. Read about her story and her VERY informative website here…

[ http://reset.me/story/howpsychedelicssavedmylife/ ]

2. MAPS [multidisciplinary association for psychedelic studies] Read about the AMAZING things they’re doing over there. 

[ http://www.maps.org ]

Positivity ‘n’ shit…

It is almost 11:00 and I have only JUST now sat down for my morning cup of coffee. I like to come out here [we live on the edge of 40 acres] and do mini meditations where I’m so thankful where I’m at in my life. I’m thankful I have the chance to send my positive energies out and reap the return of the spectacular energies from the Earth. The energies are very strong out here in the middle of the woods. I’ve felt a surge of it myself since moving out here.

The first couple of days were pretty intense as I adjusted. In fact, they were so intense that I had several strange experiences as a result. I’m only assuming the latter but my gut is telling me I’m at least headed in the right direction.

It also tells me to love your surroundings. Not everyone can be out in the middle of the woods and connect with nature that way but you can do it anywhere! You can look out your window and up at the sky. If you are stuck in an office get a cheap decorative water fountain and connect to that! If none of these are possible you can look at your bed [or whatever keeps you warm at night, a structure that keeps your protected from the elements] and you can love that and definitely be thankful for that] Like, really be thankful. Look at it and thank it for being of service to you.

When I was in the middle of a “Dark Night of the Soul” [i will include information about DNotS at the end of the post] I lost an enormous piece of myself. Nothing had meaning anymore. If you want to talk about the definition of soul crushing … that was how I felt. I’ll go ahead and be honest and say that I truly wanted to die. I had lost faith in everything. I went to sleep at night hoping and praying that I wouldn’t wake up.

But one of the things that started to jog me from my bitter slumber was just being thankful for shit. Self talk is the most important talk and I AM BEING DEAD SERIOUS WHEN I SAY THAT. So if any of you are feeling like shit or you want your world to end because the pain is too unbearable, please, take ONE MOMENT to tell yourself…

“Thank you. Thank you for waking up today. Thank you for letting me hang on for this long. I’m obviously here for a reason.”

And then you tell your beautiful self…

“I am happy. I am happy. I am happy, damnit. I control my emotions and I am the embodiment of love, light, and happiness. I AM love, light, and happiness!”

Then, if you are of a spiritual nature you should cleanse yourself with some sage smoke [smudging for those who aren’t familiar] or if you have any selenite on hand take it from head to toe, on all sides and feet. That will clear your aura for these affirmations to really take hold and help you work your magic [so to speak].

If you happen to be a lost soul who has found themselves here for one reason or another; I know it sounds all airy-fairy [a nod to Eric Rankin] and woo-woo but who cares! No one has to see you do this and you don’t even have to say it outloud. Say it to yourself but mean it. 

This is a conversation with you and you only. Make it sacred. It is yours and no one elses.

I say this because I always felt a little dorky talking to myself. Especially in such a nice way. I was so used to hearing me talk shit about myself to myself that it felt strange to hear me say something nice. Keep fucking doing it and I promise you will feel a shift. A shift towards something full of love and within your reach. I mean, if I can go from being a heroin addicted, suicidal, sad person… every single fucking one of your has that potential.
1. Information by Eckhart Tolle on Dark Nights of the Soul:

[ https://www.eckharttolle.com/newsletter/october-2011 ]
2. Information about how our self talk and thoughts DO effect us. This is a VERY interesting article about Dr. Masaru Emoto.

[ http://www.highexistence.com/water-experiment/ ]

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