Getting this out of the way so I can move on with my day but… I kind of feel like shit right now. I fell asleep sitting up and watching my iPad last night and now my neck HUUUUUURTS. It’s raining so everything else hurts as well.
I’m not unhappy, though. Sure, I could do without the crippling pain but 1. it’s not that bad and 2. I’ve got everything me and my soul needs so hey… I ain’t doing too bad.
Now that that’s out of the way I wanted to write a little more about exactly how I got here. Here being “a place with less insanity than previous moments in my life.”
When I talk about my spiritual awakening I talk about it starting with meeting my boyfriend [twin flame but that’s a whole ‘nother story] and him convincing me to eat mushrooms to let go of a bunch of shit that was holding me back. And in a previous blog post I talked about my “Dark Night of the Soul” that began 10 years ago in New Orleans.
But what really was the beginning of the end or the plain ole beginning was December 2013. I had just broken up with my son’s father, who could be, at times, abusive. I got the shit kicked out of me one last good time before I said “Fuck it” and left. Good on me, right? Of course, but that only left open a gaping wound that would be the distress signal picked up by a very terrible person. Someone who feeds off of negativity and vile behavior. A person so evil that the thought of his eyes still kind of scares the shit out of me. I’ve had goddamn nightmares about this person and did so for many months after breaking free.
I dated a sociopath.
And not a “Omg, Becky, he’s so crazy. He’s like a sociopath or something.” No, a real live Cluster B personality disordered human being. Although, his “humanity” is still up for debate. Never been confirmed so as far as I’m concerned it doesn’t exist.
After I had left my ex-boyfriend of almost 6 years, I started seeing someone I have known since high school and thought I got to know pretty well during our twenties. After a lot of encouragement from mutual friends about how “kind and compassionate” he was, I felt like I should give him a chance. After all, it was him who pursued this. It was him who kept calling and organizing my thoughts in accordance with his plans.
Of course he sought me out. I was sending out a distress signal so loud it stirred the dead. And really, he was dead inside. I was like a beacon of co-dependency and bad decisions. It doesn’t surpise me that I became his target.
I won’t go through our relationshit play-by-play because I could never subject another person to that vile business. Let’s just say that it was so awful that it gave me PTSD. Sure, I had already weakened my mental state with everything I had gone through and put myself through since 2005… I was already damaged but this sent me over the edge.
It disassembled every. single. piece. of. me. I had no fucking clue who I was anymore. Those of you who have first hand experience with Cluster B’s will know exactly what it is I am talking about. I was limited in everything I did. Nothing felt real.
Even my vocabulary had gone to shit. I couldn’t think straight and I cried all of the time. I wanted to fucking die. And then there were nightmares and massive panic attacks. He had been stalking me so this was exacerbated to a very high degree.
I had just gone “No Contact” [pretty much the ONLY way to get a sociopath/psychopath out of your life is no contact] and he was pissed. Tried anything and everything to get me to come back to him and later, to just answer the phone.
But I had recognized early on that I had about one thread of sanity left. Just enough to make basic decisions and brush my teeth. I saw this and knew I couldn’t have him in my life. He was literally destroying me. My personality, gone.
And it was then that I shut myself away from the world and began sorting through all those nasty emotions and memories.
Against everyone’s advice I stopped going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, stopped going to my therapist, everything. I don’t recommend this to anyone. Please talk to your doctor or a mental health professional if you feel you need help.
I stopped going to all of that shit and I started to get better. I finally had a breakthrough around the middle of last December and the fog started to lift. I could see! Yay! Seriously, I think my eyesight even got a little better. That or I stopped living full time in my head and started to see life around me.
I had been burned and treated like shit by a LOT of people at Narcotics Anonymous and that had been a huge burden lifted from me as well. I dreaded going to meetings and had frequent panic attacks throughout the day just thinking about it.
I honestly see absolutely NO good that can come out of telling yourself and everyone else, ALL THE TIME, that you’re an addict. I hated it. I am a firm believer that self talk is the most important talk and if you are telling yourself that your an addict who can’t do shit on your own, well, you will be an addict who can’t do shit on your own. Not without a room full of people who are just as sick as you, telling you how to live your life. Uhh… since when did this become a good way to heal? It isn’t. Plain and simple, it doesn’t work.
Sure, I get what they’re doing. I get what they’re trying to say. But the statistics are against them. 5% of people actually recover when using the 12 steps? And it’s even lower for women?! Seems like the 12 steps are a staircase to nowhere. Sure, you keep busy but again with the self talk. You have yourself and everyone else making you identify as this person you were previously. The same person who hated themselves and made a bunch of bad decisions. Yes, you should NEVER forget who you are and where you came from, but the repetitive “I’m an addict” BS hurts your spirit. It’s like you never give yourself a chance to recover, to live a life without that cloud above your head. You can be humble without telling yourself that shit every single day. You can honor the past with reverence and respect to where you are now without having a room full of sickos projecting their own problems onto you.
And that’s the other thing. Now, please don’t get me wrong, I love the sickos I met at AA & NA but I definitely don’t want them giving me advice. YES, you can find decent people who have progressed far enough on their spiritual journey to take advice from. But 95% of them ARE NOT THOSE PEOPLE. 95% of them are still very hurt inside and quite honestly, can’t tell the difference between their ass and elbow.
Sure, they might have spent the last 2 year sober enough to earn the title “Sponsor” but 2 years is hardly enough to be considered sage enough to give advice to really sick people. They might have spent however many months [or mere weeks] completing the 12 steps but so much of its regurgitation. Most addicts are clever enough to work the system and the 12 steps are no different.
And again, I don’t regret my time spent in “the rooms”. I have gotten some help from some wise people. But there is too much one sided, ganging up, my way or the highway, you’re wrong and I’m right, BULLSHIT.
Yeah, maybe I have gotten some good advice but I can definitely say that my whole experice with NA/AA is one that has left a very bad taste in my mouth. I’ve been treated like shit more than loved for who I am. I’ve been in the crosshairs of jealous bullhorns with the taste of blood on their tongues.
This last time around really did me in and I’m glad I did. I’m glad for the girl who hated me but put on a farce for those around her only to explode her green innards all over my shoes when no one was around.
Something happened and I don’t know what it was but its ending was ME SOBER AND NO LONGER DEPRESSED OR BATTLING WITH MY DEMONS.
I am so grateful for psychedelics because they gave me my life back. I have been unburdened because I was given a chance to look at myself through a different perspective. One where there is no time for jealousy because I am you and you are me. We are the same. And if you can’t see that then I’m sorry but you’re doomed to a life of wanting more, hating more, and projecting your shitty ass problems all over the world.